That Sinking Feeling

Wow. It's been a long while. So much has happened over the last year. Things that I will admit I haven't wanted to speak about out loud and things I haven't wanted too many people to actually know about.

But it's time.

Christmas time has now become a time of the year that I don't like. It brings with it all those lovely family feels, but for me it now brings sadness. It marks the time when my marriage ended. Yes ended.

Last year I had to come to terms with this, which was one of the toughest things that I have had to do. I started work at a new school, I watched as my husband moved out and moved on, and had to cope with my own broken heart but also keep it together and stay strong for my two beautiful children. I think that I have managed to cope in each of those aspects. I have kept myself strong and my broken heart has mended and my children are happy.

I will be forever grateful for the beautiful souls who I could vent to last year when I was at my worst- 4 people in particular who I am in debt too and will never be able to repay them for lending their shoulders and ears to me last year.

Last year I managed to get myself into a really good head space. I was really happy. I was happy being single and being a single mum. Yes it hurt having to smooth the boys when they missed their daddy, or when I had to hear about him and his new life. But in saying that, I was happy with where I was. I had proven to myself that I am a strong woman and that I can cope.

This year I made the decision to go on leave and move myself and the boys closer to my family. Yes it was a tough decision but it is one I believe is for the best. I have family and a support network should I need it, which is something I didn't have last year.

I've been enjoying my time off, and not having to plan lessons and deal with all the stress. But in saying that, I have found myself incredibly bored! I am the type of person who likes to be busy and likes to have something to do. And even though I'm looking after the boys I feel like I need to be doing more.

And I have found myself in the last couple of days feeling as though I am really alone and really lonely. Yes I have friends and family and the boys around me, but this is different. I feel like I have no one. I don't have that one person who is there for me, who looks out for me and looks after me.

For so long I have been the one who looks after everyone else. But for just once, I would really like someone who looks after me! I noticed these feelings even more when I realised that apart from my family and my close friends I don't have a special person who would be worrying about me if anything happened to me- that thought scared me!

And I know that to some it just sounds like I'm whining, but it's not like that. Everyone deserves to have someone, why not me?

So in saying that, thank you to everyone who has kept me sane and shown me love. There really are so many of you that I know care and as I said I'm forever grateful.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

This will be my year. Good things are coming.

X

Catching Up

It's been quite a while since I last posted something. A lot has happened in that time.

Last time I write was just after I was diagnosed with PND, I am happy to report that I'm almost better. Although I now think I'm starting to show signs of Anxiety, so looks like it'll be back to the doctors and more medication of some sort.

I have had a massive year, it's safe to say that I've grown and learnt a lot about myself in that time.

I joined a beautiful group of ladies in Brisbane for the Miss Muddy obstacle course. An amazing weekend, long and expensive, but so much fun!! I got my first tattoo that weekend too. Safe to say I now want another!

I continued on with my fitness and weight loss journey, and while I'm yet to reach my original goals I'm happy with where I ended up. Next year will be bigger and better.

The biggest news out of this year though would be that I got a teacher transfer and moved back to Rockhampton, closer to family, which hopefully will be better for us in the long run. But we will see. I start work towards the end of next month so for now will be enjoying some much needed r'n'r.

My oldest baby starts school next year! :( I cannot believe that he's old enough to be going to school! It feels like just yesterday that he was born! Needless to say next year is going to be a big one!

I had to say goodbye to some amazing students and teacher friends over the last few weeks. And I'll admit, even though I'm literally just down the road, I already miss them. Next year will be difficult without them! :(

So thanks to everyone for helping me get through the last 6 months!

Until next time!

S. X

I have been struggling a lot lately, with a lot of things.  Work, home, exercise, food, myself.  It's been building up quite a lot, and I finally think that I need to get it all off my chest.

Around about week 6 of last school term, right before I went away for a school trip, I had possibly one of the worst weeks.  I was moody, tired, upset easily, anxious.  I was stressed about absolutely everything.  I was able to chat about my feelings and felt a lot better, and slowly I felt like I was okay.  Then over the last 2 weeks of the school term, my two baby boys, at different times, were ill - they had a gastro virus, a nasty cold and of course they shared with me.  Needless to say, I had almost 2 full weeks off from school dealing with illnesses.  During this time, I began to feel like home was where I should be most of the time.

I soldiered on with juggling my sick children, and attempting to write supers, collect assessment and make sure all students had completed and handed in their assessment items.  I think that my students were starting to hate the fact that I was absent as well.

Over the break, and possibly during the process of marking 5 classes worth of assessment, and seeing that some of what I was marking was from what felt carelessness and students who didn't care.  This made me angry.  I had put in a lot of time and effort to ensure that students would be able to complete assessment to a good to high standard.  It made me feel like crap and like what I was doing clearly wasn't worth it.

From there, my whole attitude felt like it changed.  I job, the job that I had always wanted to have - teacher - now didn't seem that interesting.   I hated the thought of it.

I have continued to struggle through at work, knowing that I feel 'wrong' and not doing anything about it, constantly putting it off.

Dealing with challenging students, and feeling like all I can think about is work. Wanting to just sleep and not do anything when I get home. Losing my interest in boot camp, shopping, relaxing at home. Not feeling like I'm all there in a pleasant frame of mind for all of my boys. Feeling worthless.

All of this is how I was starting to feel and to be honest, I really feel like I'm just going through the motions.

Today however, I had a meltdown. It was the kick I needed. I was sent home. I went to the doctor and put everything out on the table.

Post natal depression.

The doctor has confirmed it.

At least now I can get treatment and can finally start to get better.

So why am I writing about this? Why do I feel the need to share?

It's an issue that not many people know about or like to ignore. There are people I know who I want to share my story with. I'm coming to terms with this.

Thankfully I have lots of supportive people in my life, and I truly am grateful for this.

For now though, I'm going to spend some time resting and looking after myself.

Thanks all,

S x

Slow and Steady

So, I'm slowly getting back into it.

Last time I said I was determined to get stuck into this weight loss thing, and I'm happy to report that I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things!

Last week I went and rejoined the gym, had a basic assessment (weight and measurements) and had a basic program written up.  I also made an honest attempt to eat 'healthier'.

My nutrition is an area that will always be a struggle for me, but I'm trying my best.  I will admit to having a couple of take out meals, but when I have I have tried to get the healthiest option on the menu - a wrap that has salad in it, a massive side salad etc. 

I've been making salads with salmon/fish for lunch and surprisingly I find it yummy (I'm not a salad person).  Dinner's have been okay, I haven't really changed too much in this department as we have always cooked fairly healthy dinner meals, I've just got to work on portion control.  And breakfast, well for me that's fairly easy - baked beans/poached eggs on multigrain/rye bread or porridge.

This week I started hitting the gym.  Admittedly it was only 3 times, but that's a fairly good effort for someone who is well and truly overweight and very unfit.  I did a TBT class (tummy, butt, thighs), and will admit that it did hurt, I'm looking forward to the next one!  I did my weights program, and definitely felt the burn, will have to see if hubby can give me an alternative weights program to do to mix things up a bit!  And this morning I went for a Cardio Step class that was changed into a Crossfit/Circuit class - I worked my butt off and was so exhausted at the end of the class I wasn't sure if I would be able to get myself home or if I was going to throw up! 

I'm proud of myself for forcing myself to actually get up, get dressed in my gym clothes and for making myself go to the gym!

I haven't lost any weight yet, but I'm not going to let that get to me.  It's been a really slow reintroduction to exercise, so I'm not going to let myself be disappointed by the no weight loss.

Next week is a new week and I'm looking forward to five days of workouts!

X

Past the Barrier

Motivation.

What is it?
Where do you find it?
How do you keep it?

This is perhaps the biggest challenge that I seem to be facing at the moment.  Finding the motivation that I need to get my butt into those gym clothes and get outside to exercise.  It's frustrating me so much, I'm motivated to do all sorts of other things, but for some reason the one thing that I know will help me get where I want to be is missing.

Excuses.

"I'll do it tomorrow"
"Next week"
"Ah, I'm not starting til next week, oh well"
"It's too hot"
"I'm too tired"

That seems to be one of my biggest problems.  How do you overcome that?  I have to get into my own head and stop them.

I must admit though, that I'm enjoying being a mummy and being at home.  For the first time in a long while I feel all 'wifey' doing all the cooking and cleaning around the place.  It's refreshing.  The only thing I'm missing is that motivation to get rid of my baby weight.

I'm normally a very determined person, who, when my mind is made up, will go until I've achieved what I had set out to do. 

Frustration.

Perhaps the best word that I could use to describe how I feeling.

I know in my own head/heart that the last few weeks I've continuously said, 'I'll start that on Monday'.  This time though, I'm very serious.  Monday it all starts!  Bring it!

This time I WILL make myself get out there and exercise.
I WILL eat the right foods.
I WILL stop making excuses.
I WILL find my motivation.
I WILL set myself on the right path...

More to come...

XX

Time to Start the Loss

Wow! What an eventful time I have been having!  Baby number 2 is here and is almost 2 months old, growing well and developing into a happy and healthy baby boy.

I've been enjoying time off work, and I must say that yes it's enjoyable to be at home looking after a newborn, my 4 year old boy and husband, I admit that I miss getting up and going to work each day.  All going well I should be returning to work at the start of next year.

But getting down to business, my weight.  I have decided to document my weight loss following baby#2.

Before I got pregnant, I was well aware that I had put on weight, but I didn't really have any motivation to do anything to lose the weight.  During the pregnancy I really packed on weight, I ran the risk of not being able to deliver my baby in the local hospital because of my weight.  I didn't get a final weight when I was pregnant, during my last weigh in I had weighed around 113kgs (me plus baby), which made me feel somewhat sad and disappointed about myself, but also really annoyed at myself for allowing this to happen.

Since baby#2 was born, I've been trying to be careful about what I eat, as I couldn't really do too much physical activity until I was given the all clear at 6 weeks.  So needless to say, for the last 7 or so weeks, I've been feeling fat, gross, ugly and disgusting (just a few adjectives).  And even though people say that I shouldn't be worrying about these things and that I don't look all that bad, I've been avoiding full length mirrors, reflections and photos, and I really hate going out in public because to me I look awful.

I know that this all might sound like I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself and making myself feel even worse by having these thoughts and feelings, but I have always been semi concerned about the way I look and now it is just amplified.

Anyway, trolling through my Facebook newsfeed one day, I came across a link to this product called 'Skinny Tea Time'.  Yes you all might say that this is yet another one of those stupid weight loss fads, I even think that.  But I figured, why not just try it.  I need to do something more than what I'm doing, and anything has to help.

Today is the first day that I have decided to try the tea.  The first lot that I had early this morning wasn't too bad, and I'm feeling pretty good having had it.  I have to have some different tea before lunch, so it will be interesting to see what it tastes like and makes me feel.  I have to drink at least 3 litres of water a day on top of the tea, which wouldn't be so bad except that it makes you pee lots (not an understatement!)!!

I have also purchased a 28 day weight loss plan that includes meal plans and recipes that I am going to start in the next couple of weeks.  I'm hoping that it will help with my food intake and improve what I'm eating.

I'm also planning on becoming best friends with my treadmill downstairs, that will be a little harder to do as I really need to force myself to do that!

Will keep you all posted over the next couple of weeks!

Skinny Tea Time



Before Photos (looking forward to changing this!)

And, I'm Back!

Okay, so it's been just a little while since I last shared any of my thoughts or happenings.  To be honest, I'm not quite sure why I've decided to do it now.

What a crazy year we have had, I cannot believe it's almost over!!

We moved to Tannum Sands and settled in really well, although we struggled for a long while with the cost of rent (it's a bit crazy here!!).  I found that I loved my job and the students that I encountered where also pretty good.  Kurt fell into a good rhythm at work and with the referees too.  Life, if I can be so bold, was awesome!

In May, we finally got married!  It was a beautiful day, but it was over before we knew it.  And to be honest, I don't remember much of it!!

I continued to enjoy my job, and Kurt moved around to a couple of different jobs - ending up pretty much where he started.  Unfortunately, he hates it, so my happy, loveable Kurt is hidden slightly.  Hopefully greater and better things are on the horizon for him though!!

We're very excited about next year!  We will be hosting a German exchange student for 6 months.  I'm looking forward to organising the bedroom for her and making it somewhere that she will hopefully feel comfortable. We can't wait to start showing her different places, and hopefully learning something from her!

I have made the impusive decision to re-enrol into my Masters of Letters course to finally finish it off next year.  It will be a challenge and will be a very full on year, but I'm sure that I will be fine - if I can survive the crazy of last year, I can do anything!

This whole year has seen me struggle quite a lot with my weight.  I just cannot seem to lose any - I have zero motivation to 'want' to lose it, which worries me a bit... it seems to just keep piling on and I feel horrible and gross!  So that's why I've decided to start writing this again.  I think, maybe if I can write down my weekly weightloss adventures, then maybe I might get somewhere...  9 days until I start the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Weightloss Challenge.

Fingers Crossed!



Kurt and I on our Wedding day



My new mantra!



I went blonde!

After stressing for 6 or so months about the rental prices, we finally got some teacher housing, luckily for us it came with a pretty sweet view!!

So until next time... Keep smiling!  And remember 'Be your own kind of Beautiful'!
xx