Wednesday, May 28, 2014

I have been struggling a lot lately, with a lot of things.  Work, home, exercise, food, myself.  It's been building up quite a lot, and I finally think that I need to get it all off my chest.

Around about week 6 of last school term, right before I went away for a school trip, I had possibly one of the worst weeks.  I was moody, tired, upset easily, anxious.  I was stressed about absolutely everything.  I was able to chat about my feelings and felt a lot better, and slowly I felt like I was okay.  Then over the last 2 weeks of the school term, my two baby boys, at different times, were ill - they had a gastro virus, a nasty cold and of course they shared with me.  Needless to say, I had almost 2 full weeks off from school dealing with illnesses.  During this time, I began to feel like home was where I should be most of the time.

I soldiered on with juggling my sick children, and attempting to write supers, collect assessment and make sure all students had completed and handed in their assessment items.  I think that my students were starting to hate the fact that I was absent as well.

Over the break, and possibly during the process of marking 5 classes worth of assessment, and seeing that some of what I was marking was from what felt carelessness and students who didn't care.  This made me angry.  I had put in a lot of time and effort to ensure that students would be able to complete assessment to a good to high standard.  It made me feel like crap and like what I was doing clearly wasn't worth it.

From there, my whole attitude felt like it changed.  I job, the job that I had always wanted to have - teacher - now didn't seem that interesting.   I hated the thought of it.

I have continued to struggle through at work, knowing that I feel 'wrong' and not doing anything about it, constantly putting it off.

Dealing with challenging students, and feeling like all I can think about is work. Wanting to just sleep and not do anything when I get home. Losing my interest in boot camp, shopping, relaxing at home. Not feeling like I'm all there in a pleasant frame of mind for all of my boys. Feeling worthless.

All of this is how I was starting to feel and to be honest, I really feel like I'm just going through the motions.

Today however, I had a meltdown. It was the kick I needed. I was sent home. I went to the doctor and put everything out on the table.

Post natal depression.

The doctor has confirmed it.

At least now I can get treatment and can finally start to get better.

So why am I writing about this? Why do I feel the need to share?

It's an issue that not many people know about or like to ignore. There are people I know who I want to share my story with. I'm coming to terms with this.

Thankfully I have lots of supportive people in my life, and I truly am grateful for this.

For now though, I'm going to spend some time resting and looking after myself.

Thanks all,

S x