I have been struggling a lot lately, with a lot of things. Work, home, exercise, food, myself. It's been building up quite a lot, and I finally think that I need to get it all off my chest.
Around about week 6 of last school term, right before I went away for a school trip, I had possibly one of the worst weeks. I was moody, tired, upset easily, anxious. I was stressed about absolutely everything. I was able to chat about my feelings and felt a lot better, and slowly I felt like I was okay. Then over the last 2 weeks of the school term, my two baby boys, at different times, were ill - they had a gastro virus, a nasty cold and of course they shared with me. Needless to say, I had almost 2 full weeks off from school dealing with illnesses. During this time, I began to feel like home was where I should be most of the time.
I soldiered on with juggling my sick children, and attempting to write supers, collect assessment and make sure all students had completed and handed in their assessment items. I think that my students were starting to hate the fact that I was absent as well.
Over the break, and possibly during the process of marking 5 classes worth of assessment, and seeing that some of what I was marking was from what felt carelessness and students who didn't care. This made me angry. I had put in a lot of time and effort to ensure that students would be able to complete assessment to a good to high standard. It made me feel like crap and like what I was doing clearly wasn't worth it.
From there, my whole attitude felt like it changed. I job, the job that I had always wanted to have - teacher - now didn't seem that interesting. I hated the thought of it.
I have continued to struggle through at work, knowing that I feel 'wrong' and not doing anything about it, constantly putting it off.
Dealing with challenging students, and feeling like all I can think about is work. Wanting to just sleep and not do anything when I get home. Losing my interest in boot camp, shopping, relaxing at home. Not feeling like I'm all there in a pleasant frame of mind for all of my boys. Feeling worthless.
All of this is how I was starting to feel and to be honest, I really feel like I'm just going through the motions.
Today however, I had a meltdown. It was the kick I needed. I was sent home. I went to the doctor and put everything out on the table.
Post natal depression.
The doctor has confirmed it.
At least now I can get treatment and can finally start to get better.
So why am I writing about this? Why do I feel the need to share?
It's an issue that not many people know about or like to ignore. There are people I know who I want to share my story with. I'm coming to terms with this.
Thankfully I have lots of supportive people in my life, and I truly am grateful for this.
For now though, I'm going to spend some time resting and looking after myself.