Sunday, March 6, 2016

That Sinking Feeling

Wow. It's been a long while. So much has happened over the last year. Things that I will admit I haven't wanted to speak about out loud and things I haven't wanted too many people to actually know about.

But it's time.

Christmas time has now become a time of the year that I don't like. It brings with it all those lovely family feels, but for me it now brings sadness. It marks the time when my marriage ended. Yes ended.

Last year I had to come to terms with this, which was one of the toughest things that I have had to do. I started work at a new school, I watched as my husband moved out and moved on, and had to cope with my own broken heart but also keep it together and stay strong for my two beautiful children. I think that I have managed to cope in each of those aspects. I have kept myself strong and my broken heart has mended and my children are happy.

I will be forever grateful for the beautiful souls who I could vent to last year when I was at my worst- 4 people in particular who I am in debt too and will never be able to repay them for lending their shoulders and ears to me last year.

Last year I managed to get myself into a really good head space. I was really happy. I was happy being single and being a single mum. Yes it hurt having to smooth the boys when they missed their daddy, or when I had to hear about him and his new life. But in saying that, I was happy with where I was. I had proven to myself that I am a strong woman and that I can cope.

This year I made the decision to go on leave and move myself and the boys closer to my family. Yes it was a tough decision but it is one I believe is for the best. I have family and a support network should I need it, which is something I didn't have last year.

I've been enjoying my time off, and not having to plan lessons and deal with all the stress. But in saying that, I have found myself incredibly bored! I am the type of person who likes to be busy and likes to have something to do. And even though I'm looking after the boys I feel like I need to be doing more.

And I have found myself in the last couple of days feeling as though I am really alone and really lonely. Yes I have friends and family and the boys around me, but this is different. I feel like I have no one. I don't have that one person who is there for me, who looks out for me and looks after me.

For so long I have been the one who looks after everyone else. But for just once, I would really like someone who looks after me! I noticed these feelings even more when I realised that apart from my family and my close friends I don't have a special person who would be worrying about me if anything happened to me- that thought scared me!

And I know that to some it just sounds like I'm whining, but it's not like that. Everyone deserves to have someone, why not me?

So in saying that, thank you to everyone who has kept me sane and shown me love. There really are so many of you that I know care and as I said I'm forever grateful.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

This will be my year. Good things are coming.



  1. I have been there too. I am proud of you.
    I will look out for you X

  2. You do deserve a special someone and your time will come girl! You are doing an amazing job, being strong and making decisions for the best for you and your boys. You are awesome!